It’s beginning to occur to me that my perpetual single status may not have been circumstantial, as I originally thought, and more my chosen reality.
This realization began as I was coaching a friend on relationship matters, as I often find myself doing, and I had a personal breakthrough.
You see, there’s this guy…shocking, I know!
I met this fine gentleman Easter weekend of 2016, while I was visiting the city he lived in. We initially connected on Tinder. Don’t judge! We began to chat on the Saturday morning, exchanged a few pleasantries and then he said something suggestive, so I stopped chatting with him. But I didn’t unmatch him. Later that day, he sent a somewhat sheepish message, which I didn’t respond to, then another and another, each more comical than the last. Humour is very high on my list of endearing qualities in a man, so I decided to give him another chance.
We discovered that the Airbnb I was staying in was very near his home. He invited me over to share a bottle of wine. Now, normally I wouldn’t be inclined to go to the home of a man I don’t know, however Tinder had told me he was Facebook friends with a group of guys I had gone to high school with, so I figured he must be good people. He gave me his address and off I went.
I was adequately impressed as I pulled up in front of his house, a beautifully restored character home, in an affluent neighbourhood. I would have noticed immediately that the interior was as impressive as the exterior, however I was still mesmerized by the sight of him, as he greeted me at the door. It was one of those “chemistry” moments.
We proceeded inside and he opened said bottle of wine. As we chatted effortlessly, he poured us two glasses and invited me to join him on the back deck. We settled into the patio furniture and he placed his hand on the table. More insight into what I find attractive in a man – I have a thing for masculine hands, so naturally I glanced down to take a gander. Not only did he have lovely hands, but there, on his pinky finger was the iron ring! Additional insight – I have a serious thing for Engineers, I think it has something to do with our similarly uniquely weird personalities.
As afternoon turned to evening and we engaged in the typical getting acquainted chatter, he asked “who’s your celebrity crush?” I pondered for a moment, because I don’t tend to idealize celebrities, and said “I don’t know, the guy who plays Castle.” He replied “Nathan Fillion, he’s a friend of mine.” Which makes sense, as he was also friends with the aforementioned high school buddies, which I had forgotten until that moment. He then suggested “Wouldn’t it be funny if we ended up getting married and Nathan was the MC? He could tell this story and the guests would think; wait, isn’t he the guy who played Castle?” I told you he had a good sense of humour.
Fast forward to 3 years later, he is still a large part of my life, we’ve been through an awful lot together and have established a great friendship.
Why aren’t we planning that wedding Nathan will MC, you ask?
Good question!
He and I recently had a candid conversation about just that. Well, we didn’t have a conversation about a wedding, or lack thereof, but about our affinity for one another…or potential lack thereof.
Him:
“I’m never sure who you really are…I don’t think I’ve ever felt you being completely natural, and because of that I guess I’ve never felt completely at ease around you.”
This sounds like a typical case of “if he really knew me, he wouldn’t like me” right? Well, I thought perhaps that might be the case too, as I’ve spent ample time examining my apparent lack of ability to be my authentic self around him.
Today I woke and thought of you
About how real you’ve made my life…
The only condition? Love itself.
Tonight I weep
And think of how
I love and want and need you.
But I don’t tell you. No.
I am too busy playing Hide and Seek
To let you know.”
Kate McGaha
Here’s the thing…and bear with me for a moment while I impersonate an arrogant chick. I seem to have a natural magical love potion when it comes to guys. (I’m trying to figure out a way to bottle it and sell it, trust me!) I believe a large part of it is the fact that I rarely place much concern on whether or not they like me. I’m completely at ease being my exquisitely quirky, zanily zen and weirdly wacky self around them. And they always like me! Most of the time they fall in love with me! I’m still friends with a lot of guys I’ve dated and majority of them would be pleased to pick up where we left off.
Ok, back to being adorably humble again.
Here’s the personal breakthrough:
I realize my fear was not that this guy WOULDN’T like me, if he really knew me…my fear was that he WOULD like me! Perhaps even love me!
And that would force me to face my own fear of intimacy.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
Anais Nin
Alas, the “romantic” involvement between this man and myself has ended, but the friendship and the lesson learned remains. I have gained key insight into myself, that I am confident will have a positive impact on my future romantic involvement(s).
So, Universe…bring on the quirky individuals with masculine hands and a clever sense of humour. I’m ready!